“College Ruined My Pussy”

Washington State University is not a place for the weak. I am absolutely convinced that anyone who graduates from that school is not fit to operate in our society, unless it involves being a gregarious whore or a fratboy alcoholic. That being said, this weekend was one of the drunkest adventures ever.

My friend, Pat, and I made the drive from Portland to visit my high school buddies at their frat. The first night was pretty standard; drank too much, blacked out, woke up on the floor of the frat in only my boxers while using my sweatshirt as a blanket. It was the next day which made me glad that I don’t go to a fake university.

I wake up to the annoying buzzing of my phone at about 11:30 am. My buddies want to start the day right with breakfast at Mickey D’s. I meet up with them and force myself to eat food, despite my healthy hangover. Then, my friends, always regarded as thinkers, decide to get two 30 bombs and turn our hangovers into blackouts. It’s not even 4 pm and I’ve drank 15 beers. Goodnight moon.

Pat has a friend who goes to Wazzu so we decided to meet up with her and get dinner. She picks us up and we see her shitty apartment. She’s super hot and I’m drunk so I start saying inappropriate shit. If my friend wasn’t exactly like me, he would’ve been really embarrassed and pissed off, but instead he was laughing his ass off. We hadn’t stopped drinking, and I was on the verge of blacking out, at about 6 pm. Before we can leave, she says she has to go change again, to which I asked her if she needed any help (she had told me at this point that she had a boyfriend probably 10 times). While she’s gone we look around her apartment for something to entertain ourselves with. And then we saw it, one of those whiteboards on the fridge for people to leave their housemates little dumb messages. We started writing things and laughing like idiots when the greatest statement ever to grace a white board was thought of. “College ruined my pussy”. We almost fell over laughing. Here I was, I spent the last hour making fun of this girl, convinced that she is a whore, and just spelled out that I think her pussy is a trainwreck. To say the least she was not thrilled. But she took it in stride, as all whores do.

We got dinner, had some more laughs and drinks and were on our way. Pat and I were frustrated. Sure, we were retard drunk, but we knew it wasn’t blackout status. How are we supposed to bang out with some whores when we can still see straight? We proceeded to the grocery store for some much needed malt liquor. During that wonderful journey, Pat and I proclaimed loudly how stupid and slutty all the slutty dumb whores looked around us. They looked sad. Our hearts soared with happiness at how defeated the whores looked. We then took the 40’s to the face. In the drunken madness, a beautiful ritual was developed that has defined my friendship with Pat. Pat looked at me with a shit eating grin and slapped the dick out of me. We proceeded to slap the hell out of each other because we’re huge faggots. Today, I’m proud to say that Pat and I slap the shit out of each other about 75% of the time we blackout which is about 100% of the time that we drink.

Somehow separated from Pat in the drunken idiotic bliss, I got back to my friends’ live out house and polished off a 12 pack of Busch light with the boys. Still lit as fuck, I looked to fulfill my desire to be drunk around other people and make bad decisions. I mean hey, my dick isn’t gonna suck itself.

At around 6 am, I woke up drenched in my own urine. What’s a good blackout without ending up covered in your own piss in some unknown location?  I woke up to some faggots yelling at me for pissing on their couch. Obviously, I felt just terrible. I called the faggots assholes and stumbled on home.

I have to give it to Wazzu, they sure know how to turn the future leaders of our country into drunks and whores. I consider myself a pretty functioning alcoholic, but I wouldn’t last in that environment. Thank god I’m smart enough to go to a real school.

Offensive quote of the weekend, “I’m not afraid of getting bitches pregnant, I’m afraid of getting AIDS”

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